"Weird Then, Even Weirder Now"

Back when I was still in the seminary and even after when I was still going to church, I would be honest enough to admit that I did experience some cognitive dissonance with resolving what everyone else believes to be real versus what my gut was telling me.

I of course either turned a blind eye or forced myself to come into terms with some of these beliefs mainly because to contradict them at that time would only advertise my lack of faith.

There are a lot of things I struggled with like answered prayers, selective salvation and such, but I’ve managed to narrow down my list to the top four beliefs and practices in the Christian Full Gospel Born Again church that I found either weird or silly back then that I never had the balls to question and openly talk about, until now:

1. Rock Was The Devil’s Music. We had a bad word for any type of music that didn’t glorify the Lord, and that word was “secular”. If you listened to secular music, particularly rock and heavy metal, you might as well consider that you have reserved parking in hell because that is clearly where you are going. And in my head I couldn’t understand why listening to bands like Guns N Roses, Poison, Warrant, Kiss, AC/DC and Bon Jovi was considered evil.
   
   What made this more conflicting was that I was in the music ministry playing bass and drums at that time and that I drew my musical influence mainly from secular music. I actually even used the bass line of Radiohead’s song “Creep” in one of the tunes I was playing in church because they had the exact same chord progression. The guitar player automatically picked up on it and looked at me with this nervous smile, not sure if it was funny or if he was going to burn in hell with me.
   
   If rock really is the devil's music and that he's responsible for some of the greatest rock albums in the last four decades, then he’s is definitely one dude I’d love to jam and discuss music with.
2. Praying for Inanimate Objects. Because the church I played bass and drums for was relatively small, we didn’t have huge budgets for high end amplifiers, overhead projectors, microphones, cables and musical instruments. So we settled for the cheap ass knock off gears you can buy at the streets of Raon in Manila. These gears as you would have guessed, periodically breaks down and malfunctions, and every time it does you can bet our pastor to encourage the congregation to pray for the devil to stop messing around interfering with God’s chapel service. He would literally cast out the demons or evil spirits apparently dwelling in these objects until me and the other members of the music ministry would eventually make the equipment work.
   
   
   Having attended other big churches, I noticed however that the devil has little power over expensive brands like Fender, Yamaha and Washburn.
   
   This practice is not limited to musical equipment of course. Some pastors are also asked to pray over things like newly bought cars to protect them from theft and accidents. But remember if you have premarital or adulterous sex in the vehicle, you do void the pastor’s prayer insurance.
   
   
3. Being Slain By The Spirit. During altar call, that part of the chapel service when people approach the pulpit to make a commitment to God and receive his blessings, the preacher or pastor usually channels the Holy Spirit and transfers that power over to a member of the congregation by laying their hands on their forehead.
   
   
   In most cases, the experience is allegedly said to be so intense that when the Holy Spirit is received by someone and it moves inside of them, they fall to the ground, like a spiritual orgasm if you will.
   
   I had a friend who confessed that during his altar call, he felt that the pastor deliberately tried to knock him down by pushing on his forehead when he was apparently receiving the Holy Spirit. But he said he absolutely felt nothing, but because everyone else was on the floor, he played along.
   
   He said he felt bad about having to pretend. I said all he did was he “faked spiritual orgasm”, which is more common that he thinks.
   
   
4. Speaking In Tongues. This one is my favorite. If you do your research it’s clear how the biblical passage referencing speaking in tongues has been taken out of context with how it is being used in modern churches today. I’ve personally never done it, and I would be willing to bet that I was not alone in thinking it was silly during that time in my own church, no one just wants to be the first to say, “Hey, umm that back there, was that Klingon?
   
   
   The first time I heard someone speak in tongues I really had to restrain myself from laughing, because seriously it’s not hard to make fun of. I almost wanted to ask the person I was standing next to, “Brother, where are the subtitles?"
   
   Even as a Christian, I recall every moment I hear someone speaking in tongues my brain would be like, “Oh you have got to be kidding me that’s an actual language”. But it’s one of those crazy weird things that just gets passed off as real in most born again Christian churches. There are in fact actual sermons that encourage entire congregations to join in the fun by letting the Holy Spirit override everyone’s gray matter and just allow their vocal chords to do the rest. Because after all, it’s less ridiculous if everyone does it.

So now, is it so wrong to shield a person from listening to rock music? Is it so bad that a person feels safer driving a car that has been prayed over by a pastor? And is the person in church who is speaking in tongues really hurting anyone by doing so?

The question of “what’s the harm” often comes up in topics like these. I love what Matt Dillahunty of the Atheist Experience said in that he would want to believe in as many true things and as few false things as possible. And I do agree that believing in false things tend to influence decisions we make in life, because let’s face it, these weird beliefs are almost never confined in the church.

If these practices and beliefs are as solid as some people think they are, then they should withstand simple teasing and inquiry.

So the next time you see an ex Christian rock singer speaking in tongues who insists on only using prayed for musical instruments when performing in your church, it’s ok to ask, “It is me... or is that just weird?”